By Alyssa, Gilda’s Club member and Ambassador
I grew up dreaming of a large family. I had, as a lot of young girls do, lists of baby names for boys and girls (at one point it was a list of six girls names all ending in “iana”) My dreams and hopes changed over the years, but the desire to have a family never wavered. So when, after years of trying, the fertility center told me they’d found cancerous cells in my endometrium, my world started to wobble.
Despite painful biopsies, and consistent appointments, and even the news that the first treatment wasn’t working and I’d need to start another, I remained wholly in denial. In fact, my main concern for the second form of treatment was that it could cause weight gain, and any weight gain could potentially slow me down from having kids when this cancer was finally gone.
“Anticipatory grieving”
Eventually the news came that the treatments hadn’t worked, and I had to have a hysterectomy. My dreams, my motivation to keep going, my blind hope, all collapsed. I started what I later learned was called “anticipatory grieving.” (I learned that through a Gilda’s Club speaker, by the way). It was at this miserable point in my life, where I was angry, and despairing, and still somehow slightly in denial, that a coworker suggested I look into Gilda’s Club.
I started with the Young Adults Cancer support group, and that was an incredible group of people, and then thought maybe I wanted something more specific to my diagnosis. So I went to the Gynecological Oncology group, and again, found an astonishing amount of support. People had suggestions based on their experiences, ways to make things easier, things to help in recovery. Truly incredible people were everywhere I looked at Gilda’s. Eventually I had my surgery, and in the time I had off of work to heal, attended a many different things at Gilda’s Club. I attended a session called “Grief and Grieving 101,” learned about advance care planning, took part in a mindfulness class, and more. It was such a blessing to be able to take part in so many virtual activities while I regained my strength.
Finding peace in the cancer experience
I continued my healing journey but realized I was falling into a season of depression. Pretty severe depression, if I’m honest. At that point I saw a class in their newsletter called “Write to Heal.” I was immediately intrigued and signed up for the October session on the spot. My hope was it would at the very least help me get some emotions out of my brain and onto paper. My hopes were outdone by about a zillion percent. Write to Heal has been a source of comfort, hope, support, and -not to be too on the nose- healing. The people are kind, and supportive, and honest about their struggles. They write poems, share artwork, even make lists of words that feel right in the moment, and all of these things help me feel heard and understood. I could go on and on for pages about the kindness of the people in this group and in Gilda’s in general, but let me just say this.
I am so thankful that I found Gilda’s for every part of my journey. My journey is still continuing, two years after my surgery, I still wrestle with difficult emotions, watching my dreams shift and change, and fears with every upcoming doctor appointment. I have peace knowing that I have support not only in family and friends, but in the amazing people at Gilda’s club, through every stage, every step of this cancer experience.
We are so proud of you. Your written language skills are superb and you are using them to help yourself and others. We admire you.
You are dealing with your grief and loss in a positive and creative manner.
Alyssa, I am so grateful you joined Write to Heal. Your ability to write and share that writing with others is healing for so many.
Thank you so much for your honesty and your courage. I guarantee you that what you shared here helped ease someone else’s burden. May you continue to find, in Gilda’s Club, continued support on your sometimes treacherous journey.